sierrasa

last night was really nice.
i almost chickened out too, i just couldn't breathe when i parked on the street near the bar
i had never been to nick-a-nees without him, it felt so weird, and i felt so unsure of myself

katie and i sat in the back while the band played
all the blues songs i remember from when i was a little girl

christian came too.

after the set i was standing by the bar and CJ looked me in the eye
and asked if she could get me anything
lol - there's that whole age thing again -
i said no, i was all set,  but that i had come for something else
and then asked if she remembered fernando's daughter

...me

and came around the bar faster than i'd ever seen anyone move
and hugged me.
my dad's best friend jim came over and hugged me too
he was wearing daddy's shirt that says "keith richards for president" across the front in big yellow letters

we talked a bit, about all of daddy's friends
gregg had some kids
dave died of brain cancer a few months ago
jim and cj were married; jim doesn't really ride motorcycles anymore
pete was stabbed and mugged three weeks ago, but is out of the hospital
he and deena live in a new house in providence somewhere
a few other people squinted at me as if they say someone they knew very well, but didn't know why
a few others came up to me and told me they thought about my dad often

jim told me he often has dreams where he and fern are hanging out like they always used to
and when he'd go to touch him,
he'd disappear, and jim would sometimes wake up crying a little.

just like my dreams.

there's a few pictures of him up on the wall
my favorite where he's starting up the norton but it's overheated and smoking
and he's laughing his head off
the other one is him at work, with that look i miss and know all too well still
pretending to be grim and tough
with nothing but light and mischief and pure happiness in his big brown eyes.
there's a rose on the picture frame from his funeral
i cried.

cj and i exchanged emails and numbers and stuff.

i told them how i'd found happiness in my life and my plans to move to new york in the fall. i'd missed these people, i'd missed the few fleeting moments of childhood i'd had.

i miss you daddy
i love you so very much
and i hope you'd be proud of who i am
and who i am becoming
because i'm getting there myself
rest in peace<3

"Sometimes I find myself hating you because it's easier than missing you."
"I've put off telling my mother that I'm depressed and need help... 'cause I'm afraid she'd be angry I'm not the perfect daughter she wants."
"I still can't believe you died so I pretend you are away on a very long vacation having the best time ever."
"I'm only in 8th grade and 13 years old, but my life is flying right before my eyes and I'm terrified I'm not living it to the fullest."
"The day I turned eleven, I waited all day for the letter written in emerald-green ink telling me I had been accepted into Hogwarts."
"I save every card, note, letter, drawing and email my friends send me so that when I am old and alone I will remember how much I was loved."
"I'm slowly realizing just how beautiful life really is."
"I wonder if I'll ever be happy again... I wonder if I ever was."
"More than anything, I want to go home... But I'm not sure where home is."
"I haven't believed in God since you told me you were divorcing dad."
"Every day I thank myself for giving myself another chance."
"Waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup."




i am such a fuck up these days. 
i wish i could say what i mean. 
i wish i didn't hurt anybody the way i do.
i wish i could help.
i wish i was yours.
i wish it was a secret.
i wish it wasn't a secret.

 





 

you know how people have those near death experiences?


yeah well. they fucking SUCK. i almost died today when a jeep wrangler decided to completely NOT fucking pay attention to the fact that there was a car right where they tried switching lanes. if she had hit us just that much harder, about say a foot and a half, alyssa and i would have hit an oncoming car, that was also doing at least 60 mph. if my window had been open, i could have touched the other driver's face.

i screamed. i thought about the people i love most in my life. alyssa slammed the horn and screamed too. we swerved, but obviously were fine if i'm sitting in my bed typing the story on fucking livejournal. ha.

i just started thinking though, about all those silly cliche things i guess you should think about after something crazy like that.

idk.

oh, and then, about ten minutes ago, the drummer of the fucking ghost sonata pulls that "waaait, mike didn't tell you? i thought he told you, ohhh nooo!" bullshit with me and drops off my friend's show for fucking CHARITY.  i quote:
 

ME FUCKING GODDAMN TOO! sdlkghdfghkl;fdhgdlsghdflg. thank goodness zippi from modern hearts break faster is helping me out here.


and thank the powers that be that i love someone very much who always makes me feel better somehow, with very few words. sigh.

tomorrow will be better.
 

back in the state with just one area code...


already saw a slew of best friends (had movie night with the e.peeps, went to some party in the middle of nowhere with cassy and graceface, promoted with teej all day yesterday, hangin with lys today, blahblah).

my mom is being semi-decent, which is NUTS!
but she does still constantly point out how i'm a disappointment to her and my grandparents
and i'm a drop out yadda yadda yadda. i don't even care.
maybe it's starting to sink in that she's lost this one,
her 19 year winning streak over me is finito.

i haven't even been gone like, a fucking week and i miss everybody from new york. lol.
when did i get so soft?
i don't even know how two months will feel!?!?
but hopefully my car will magically re-fucking-appear
so i can go hit up the other fireworks show friday
after my eye doc appointment, the last show was soo much fun!
i also guess i have another agenda,
but i'm not terribly sure what to do about it. i'm kinda afraid actually...


anyhoo. i need to go start my day. peaceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee livejournal.

it's so close to the end! but i'm on edge, and trying not to be.

i know i'll meet really cool people at camp this summer...
but i am really sad i won't see anyone i know until at least august.
and then what do i do? where do i go? it'll be okay, i just want to know.
in my ideal world, WTP would go on tour all fall and i'd go too, taking online classes to get some sort of degree
and just figure it all out from there.
who knows?
i sure don't, lol.

and i'm trying to not stress about going back to rhode island.
like, i want to see my friends and stuff,
and visit my old haunts for the last time for a long period of time i'm sure,
but at the same time i don't know now much it really has left to offer me.

the other day brought up a lot of things i haven't thought about in years.
i cried for the first time in a long time last night, thinking about it all. i hate crying.
i just want something i can call "family".
most days i am aware that my friends basically are my family,
but there's always going to be something missing.
i want a mom and a dad.
like not to sound like a selfish little kid, but i want to at least know what that's like......
i'm not really an orphan, so i just should shut up now and stop complaining, but idk.
there's still that gap that i think most people feel actually.

i feel guilty, i haven't thought about daddy in awhile.
i wonder where he is. i never saw them bury him, which is partially in the nightmares i was having.
they've stopped recently, and so i haven't thought about him
that's awful.

and as much as i laugh off and kid about my issues with tara, i'm so sad about that too. i wish we got along.
i get kind of envious sometimes of my friends whose moms are like best friends.
mrs. gagliardi is like the mom i don't have, and i'm gonna miss so much. i already do.
mr. gagliardi has been like a father to me, but he's dying. i can't even deal sometimes with that. it's like watching everything that happened to me, but in a weird warped way, and slower. god i hope bryn knows i love her and won't ever let her fall as far as i did.
i'm not ever turning back in recent decisions, but i let myself wonder the other day how things would change if i stayed.
it's so tempting. but then i remember how i'm typically treated, and poof!


no, i'm happier this way, and it's only gonna keep get better.

i called my house like, 20 minutes ago, just to ask my stepdad a few questions about cars and the needs of cars (namely, my 2000 toyota rav4 that i totally adore). my mom answered. i tried asking her specifically what she thought was wrong with the car...which went well enough until i asked about the theoretical selling price of my car.... to me. there is absolutley nooo way that i can live on my own without a car, i've been researching the options and even made a dichotmous key for each option, and car def wins.

i have not yelled or raised my voice at my mom in over a month.
i haven't pointed out her flaws in about ten years.
i didn't complain once during the fights. when daddy broke furniture. when they screamed at each other.
when they blamed their own children, in front of their own children. i'm not even fucking complaining now.
i haven't told her that i battled with depression as a fourth grader. and a seventh grader. and every year after that. until i moved up here, and figured out for myself that i can be truly happy again, not matter what's gone down in the past.

i never told her i've hurt myself. that i tried to end my life. or even that i'll never do that again.
or what daddy's friend tried to do to me once.
or fucking any goddamn thing i thought would hurt her... because i loved her. i do love her.

despite what she's trying to fucking pull on me right now,
i bought her a mother's day card. and a little gift. i don't have much money, and i don't even know why i did it.

she yelled at me. she insulted me. she hung up.

like a fucking petulant child, she will do this again and fucking again to her own daughter. i'm not asking anything of her, just to sell me the car and let me go. i will be solely financially responsible for school (i already am), working, an apartment, etc.

she doesn't even have to disown me, i'll come home for christmas, and jordan's big games, and fucking whatever she wants. i want to be around, but i'm not going back there. i need her just to understand.


i need anyone to understand.

starting to realize some things here:

1. i, sierra elisabeth sant'anna, DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

2. i am a good person. or i at least try my goddamned best every single day that i'm alive to be a good person.

3. i make a LOT of mistakes, but i am starting to slowly learn from them.

4. that i am not my mom, or my father, or even my brother. i do not (did not) cause them to make mistakes either, and i can't be the glue that holds everything together for appearance for the rest of my life. partially what got me into the mess that was my life was thinking that a little sierra, at age 6, had to raise a son basically.... and then keep being the adult, even when i went to school hours away. i love them, i do worry and i do care no matter how shitty they can be, but i also deserve to be able to start my life finally.... and in the manner i so choose.

5. that exactly where i am right now is exactly where i am supposed to be - not because of fate, i don't buy that shit really, but because of the choices i made throughout my life that culminated in my present. i'm gonna get everything together - fuck, i already have it together! bring it.




"some say
it's all fate,
but i say we control our lives
and if my destiny
should outbest me?
then that's fine"
 

anyhoooo. so some shit has come up recently, just read below and whatever (not that anyone actually reads this shit. i feel like the russian guy on the episode of cops yesterday who seemed puzzled that the officer didn't also think it was normal to talk to oneself all the time. lol. not really my fault i guess, no one i know has these things i think).

however, this weekend has yet again reaffirmed my new positive outlook on myself and what's going around me:


thursday was FUCKING AH-MAAAAZINGGGGGG. amazinginginginging. seriously. i cannot thank spray and dustin (and also dustin's friend for giving me a place to crash) for helping get to that show. i mean, i was bummed to be going alone, but it was still probably the best show i've been too...ever i'd say. i crowd surfed, was about a foot and a half from anthony raneri, got the shit kicked out of me and messed up my shoulder and ankle, made a jackass out of myself to the dudes in fireworks, and travelled over 14 hours total to get there and back. every second was worth more than worth it, and i will never ever forget it (:

friday and saturday raging in philly at a ridiculous recording studio and then an even more ridiculous frat house was a blast.

sunday was an actual day of rest lol, and i love joe's family. best homemade food and shower of my 19 years i think. then hanging out with dustin and the favoino's at night was really nice too. i guess sometimes i just like being around families, and just watching and thinking about the basic dynamics of family, and then realizing what i maybe missed out on that other people consider normal family-type things. idk. c'est la vie.


this weekend has definitely  been another stepping stone in changing myself,
and it was absoulutely amazing. all of it.

it's like the older i get, the more i'm able to love. to love without fearing loss of anything really.
i don't really have anything else but love to give anyone at this point,
so why not get rid of all the stupid walls i've put up for so many years?
that's not to say that i'm not alittle scared,
and alittle bit more nervous to be that open now
i still have all my scars and wild insecurities, but whatever.



in other less mushy news, kayla and i just came up with the most ridiculous/rad plan of all time for some summer activities hehehehehe.... let's just say i will be meeting anthony raneri. and mix that with like 6598765867548789 surprises for a variety of people. so so sooo stoked, you do not even know what i have planned.



finally. i decided that i'm getting an apartment (hopefully) in new paltz this august after camp, and will be enrolling at dutchess community college for fall '09 regardless of what tara or anyone else really has to say about it. i will earn at least one, if not two, associate degrees (commerical design and business, or possibly teaching assistant). if at the end of two years i feel that i should continue expanding upon my formal education and to a four year program, i will reapply to SUNY new paltz. if not? well god only knows what will happen in the next two years.... i may be managing a skate park for WTP (lol), or i may just start my own design/clothing company, or my cafe bookstore.


long story short, i got this (:

i am jobless, homeless, soon to be a college dropout, and kinda sorta an orphan.


but (as cliche as it's gonna sound) i have some really rad people who love me and take really good care of me, whether i let them or not. 
and i love them all too. and i want to tell those few people every day in every single possible way that i can.

love really is all you need i guess.... because i'm happier than i ever recall being.



today was really good.

things are just gonna get better (:
 

so yeah. i'm not going anywhere without at least a decent fight; and although i may be taking on the forces of hell (also known as my mom)...... i have pretty solid back-up.





word!?

"We're going down, down in an earlier round (take aim at myself)
and sugar, we're goin down swinging (take back what you said)"

all i've done today is go to class, talk a great deal about some things, and SLEEP.

i feel alittle better i guess, but still miserable. i don't wanna just be friends, i just wanna keep going ever- so -slowly until it's ready. backwards might destroy me pretty much. i'm going to try, but i don't really know what to do. still sucks.


i'll try to do what it takes, really. i just am not sure i can.

i need more sleeeeeeeeeep. ay ay ay